By Dr. Kalman Heller, Child and Family Psychologist
When “I Want to Get Into a Top College” Doesn’t Match the Effort
Q: Our 16 year old daughter says she wants to get into a top college, but she doesn’t take her homework seriously, complains that it’s boring, and ends up with lower grades because of missing or low-quality assignments. We have nightly conflicts about this and feel genuinely confused, since what she’s doing directly contradicts what she says she wants for herself. We’re also frustrated because she’s clearly bright, does very well on classroom tests, and could easily be earning higher grades. Questions about Parenting Teenagers? Any suggestions?
A: For some reason, your daughter has managed to pull you into taking responsibility for her homework, and then, by not doing it, ends up upsetting you and creating real tension in your relationship. The key here is to let her actually own her own work, accept that she may end up at a “lesser” college if this pattern continues, let her sort out for herself whether that outcome really matters to her (she may only be telling you what she thinks you want to hear), and shift the focus of your relationship toward genuinely enjoying her positive qualities in the relatively short time she has left living at home.
Talk with her openly about this shift, and ask her to help you understand why she really isn’t doing the homework. Is she simply too tired by the time she gets to it, or juggling too many other commitments? Does the pattern show up in every class, or is she more responsible in courses she actually likes, or with teachers she connects with? Be realistic about how this actually plays out. If she’s bright and tests well, she’ll likely still post solid SAT scores and get into a genuinely good school. Getting into the “best” school isn’t a necessary goal for the vast majority of students, since it has surprisingly little bearing on their success in life, financial or otherwise. Having a genuinely good relationship with your daughter matters far more than any of that. Remember, you’ll be parenting her for many more years after high school ends. She’ll need you as a guide and a confidante once she starts running into the harder issues of real adult life. Don’t let endless nagging and conflict erode that relationship while she’s still living under your roof every day.
When a Child With Learning Disabilities Drives Himself Too Hard
Q: We have a son with severe learning disabilities who pushes himself relentlessly to succeed in school. We’re worried his life has become all work and no fun. He has only a few interests and a couple of friends, and does little besides study. It takes him about twice as long as other students to get his work done. How can we help him lighten up?
A: Is this actually your problem, or his? In other words, is your son genuinely unhappy with his life, or is he getting real satisfaction from what he’s worked so hard to accomplish? Sure, he’s missing out on some typical teenage fun, but I suspect he’ll catch up on that eventually. What matters more is understanding whether he’s doing this out of fear of failure, in a way that’s fueling depression or anxiety, or whether he’s simply rising to a challenge as part of who he naturally is. It’s worth checking whether he’s using his time efficiently, but for the most part, your energy is better spent being genuinely proud of his drive and what he’s accomplished. Talk with him about the fact that for students with learning disabilities, school is usually the hardest part of life they’ll ever face, since it constantly demands things that hit directly against their weaknesses. Once these kids get into the real world and find work that actually plays to their strengths, that work often becomes far easier than school ever was, and genuinely rewarding.
When a Parent and Child Keep Clashing
Q: My husband and daughter clash constantly because they’re both very driven, compulsive, and critical, of themselves and of each other. It’s obvious to me that she eggs him on, doing things on purpose that she knows will irritate him. I can’t stand their nightly confrontations. It affects everyone else in the house. Help?
A: The real challenge here is helping your husband learn to back off. He most likely means well. He probably believes what he’s doing is helping “fix” his daughter’s less desirable traits so she’ll be more successful in life. It’s worth affirming that positive intent while also helping him notice his own chronic distress over these confrontations. It’s genuinely bad for his health, and for everyone else’s in the house. It’s also worth pointing out that his approach clearly isn’t working, since your daughter keeps repeating the same behavior, and that their relationship itself is probably a big part of why she isn’t changing. By now she’s likely angry at him for the constant criticism, feels like she can never please him anyway, so why even try, and, as you’ve noticed, may be provoking him on purpose out of that same frustration.
They’ve lost the ability to simply enjoy each other. If they used to have fun together when she was younger, remind him of that, and stress how much it mattered to both of them. Suggest he sit down with her directly and tell her he wants a more positive relationship, then actually ask for her help getting there. She may brush off the first attempt, but if he sticks with it, she’s likely to eventually give him a real chance. It helps for him to understand that one of the biggest reasons adult children struggle to enjoy their own success later in life is that they carry around an internal voice telling them nothing they do is ever good enough. Encourage him not to be that voice.
