By Dr. Kalman Heller, Child and Family Psychologist
Moving day. Such excitement! Such distress! It’s an event nearly every family goes through a few times, if not more. The impact on children is
as varied as their personalities. But a few guidelines helping kids cope with moving might help.
Why Words Aren’t Enough
One 4-year-old boy, whose family had moved to a new state at the start of summer, seemed to adjust surprisingly well. He had a great summer. His parents couldn’t believe it, since he tended to struggle with change. In September, he started at his new nursery school. Suddenly he became sad, clingy, and began having accidents, all the behaviors his parents had originally expected. Talking with him gradually revealed that he’d intuitively believed living in the new home was just a summer vacation, like the trip the family had taken to the shore the year before. He expected to be reunited with his old friends come September. Only then did he truly realize this was permanent, and it upset him. His parents had explained the move clearly enough. He just heard what he wanted to believe.
Moving can be genuinely disorienting for a young child. They’re tiny creatures in a world full of giants and confusion, and they rely on predictability and attachment to caretakers for their sense of security. Parents often assume that words alone will help a child understand what’s coming. But young children don’t really grasp the meaning of words describing an experience they haven’t had yet. It may look like they understand. Don’t be fooled.
When Life Gets Hectic, Little Things Slip
In the hectic weeks following a move, parents often don’t have the energy to work extra hard on getting a child settled into the right routine. A 3-year-old girl didn’t like her new bedroom and refused to sleep in it. It was easier to just let her fall asleep night after night in her parents’ bed. As life settled down, they got increasingly frustrated trying to get her back into her own room.
A 6-year-old boy had never had trouble sleeping anywhere, until his family moved into a bigger home where his bedroom was now upstairs, removed from the rest of the household’s activity. That new bedroom suddenly filled up with scary creatures only he could see.
Make the Move Concrete
This means leaning on any strategy that makes the change as concrete and tangible as possible. Buy a dollhouse, set it up somewhere in the current house, move the family and their furniture, and act out what’s actually going to happen after the move. Make a book about moving, with drawings and photos of the old house and the new one. Read children’s books about moving together. Even though it makes moving day more hectic, let the kids be around while the movers load the truck. Children rely on magical thinking and their own kid logic to make sense of the logistics of moving, and they need real, concrete experience to guide them through it, even if watching their belongings get carried out the door is upsetting at first. This is the same idea behind the countdown trick we cover in “Are We There Yet?”, young kids need something they can see and touch, not just an explanation.
The Memory Box
A favorite recommendation is building a box of objects that connect back to the old house. Take a shoebox and have the child fill it with leaves, rocks, and other small things from the yard. Use your phone to take pictures, and let the child direct what gets photographed. Since she can see each shot right away, she can tell you whether you’ve actually captured what she wanted. You can also have some of her neighborhood friends add small objects to the box, along with a photo of the friends themselves.
When “Gone” Feels Permanent
Object permanence is still shaky for a very young child. Out of sight often really does mean gone, as far as they’re concerned. A few months after the move, especially if the child keeps expressing dislike for the new home, take a trip back to the old one. “See, it’s still there.” “See the new family and their furniture in the house now.” Some kids will get angry, “My house!”, but that gives you a chance to help them work through it, in play, conversation, or drawing. After that, the child may finally be ready to complete the move emotionally, not just physically.
Bedtime, Regressions, and Reassurance
As for the frequent night fears and sleep disruptions, keep the bedtime routine happening in the child’s own room, even if that means staying with them until they fall asleep for a while. Other regressions can show up too, baby talk, setbacks in toilet training. This is partly a normal stress response and partly a wish to return to how things were. Tell the child that feeling sad, mad, or scared right now is normal. At the center of all of this is one thing worth holding onto, a young child’s distress increases their need to reaffirm the bond with you, since that bond is the core of their sense of security. Don’t lose sight of that in the middle of everything else the move has you juggling, and things will settle, gradually, for everyone. Child Mind Institute has more specific, age-by-age advice if you want additional strategies for your child’s stage.
For more on helping your kids through big changes, browse our other parenting articles here.
