By Dr. Kalman Heller, Child and Family Psychologist
If Parenting Young Teens Is Hard, Imagine Being One
We all know how challenging it is to parent a 13 to 15 year old. That alone should tell us it’s equally challenging to actually be one. Jonathan is starting high school. He’s not especially athletic and not an above-average student. He has a couple of friends, but mostly they just hang out, listening to music his parents can’t relate to and playing video games. Jon doesn’t say much about his day. It’s understandable to assume that’s because his life feels rather empty. More likely, there’s plenty on Jon’s mind, just the kind of stuff he only shares with his friends.
Amy is in middle school. She’s responsible about her schoolwork, spends a lot of time on the phone with friends, and likes to read. Amy spends a lot of time in her room, and it’s gotten harder to draw her into anything with the rest of the family.
The Kids in the Middle
Plenty gets written about kids who are overcommitted, busy juggling too many interests and activities, stressed about wanting to be as successful as possible, often sleep-deprived, and seemingly self-driven. Plenty also gets written about kids who challenge parents and teachers with defiant behavior. This piece is about the kid in the middle, young teens who aren’t showing off any particular strength or interest, but also aren’t causing trouble. Some of these kids simply aren’t ready for adolescence yet and find the whole thing overwhelming. If they’re lucky, they find a couple of other young teens at a similar stage and stick together, watching wide-eyed as their once-innocent friends start talking about, and getting active with, sex and drugs.
What They’re Actually Asking For
Talking with kids like Jonathan and Amy tends to surface the same complaints. There’s nothing to do around here. They describe real boredom, feel like their parents don’t get them, and often ask to do things parents feel are still beyond what they’re ready for, like heading into the city with a friend. Sometimes they’d like a job, but there’s not much available before age 16. They don’t love being driven everywhere by their parents, but suburban towns rarely have much public transportation. The lineup of programs at the community center or town rec department doesn’t interest them either. Honestly, they’re not always sure what would interest them, but they’re craving something genuinely new or exciting in their lives. That craving carries real risk too, since a Jon or an Amy can end up drawn toward a peer group involved in something undesirable, purely because it offers the novelty, excitement, or sense of belonging that’s missing everywhere else.
An Untapped Generation, Waiting Around
These quiet young teens present an interesting challenge, both to their parents and to the wider community. They’re a real, largely untapped resource. A few generations ago, they’d have been helping out in the fields or the family shop. Most of that has disappeared, and we haven’t really replaced it with anything of comparable value. So we essentially ask these kids to just wait, wait until their world expands enough to offer something genuinely interesting or productive to do. Plenty turn to the internet instead, to meet people and expand their world that way, and some end up spending a lot of hours doing exactly that. Current research backs up the concern that heavy reliance on screen-based connection, in place of real in-person relationships, is genuinely linked to higher rates of adolescent depression and anxiety, a concern serious enough that the U.S. Surgeon General has issued a formal advisory on it.
Part One: Enter Their World
Which brings me to the real question. What can we actually do for these kids to add more meaning and satisfaction to this genuinely difficult age? I encourage parents to focus on isolation directly, with the goal of helping a quiet teen discover that they have real value to other people. There are two parts to this. The first is having at least one parent genuinely enter their child’s world. Try to see things through their eyes and understand what’s actually on their mind. That means being available the moment they’re ready to talk, but also actively creating chances for that to happen, which usually means some one-on-one time doing something together. Do chores together. Run errands together. Ask for help on something you’re working on. Notice the shift here, less telling your child to go do something, and more doing something together.
How to Actually Get Them Talking
Teens tend to open up more while doing something alongside you, especially in the car, especially when no one else is around. When you do get let into that private space, be genuinely interested rather than critical. Don’t turn it into a chance to nag or complain. Try encouraging a little fantasizing. If you could do anything you wanted with your time, what would it be? What do you think you’re actually best at? What do you picture yourself doing in a couple of years? You’ll probably get the classic “Nothing” response at first. But if you’ve been paying attention, you may eventually uncover an interest your teen has been afraid to voice, either because they don’t believe they’re skilled enough, or because they doubt anyone would take it seriously.
Part Two: Give Them a Place to Contribute
The second part of easing these kids into the wider world is finding them a place to make a genuine contribution. Where possible, build on whatever interest they’ve shared with you. This often means arranging some kind of volunteer opportunity, not unlike the old apprenticeship model. A few hours a week helping out at an animal hospital, an electronics repair shop, a day care center, a law office, a framing store, an art studio, somewhere they can slowly demonstrate a skill or an intelligence that never gets to show up at home or school. It might take calling in a favor from a friend. If you haven’t been able to pin down a specific skill or interest, I’d strongly encourage time spent simply helping others instead. Volunteering opportunities for teens exist through organizations like the Red Cross, and options like reading to the visually impaired, serving meals at a shelter, or helping out at an after-school program work well too. This is genuinely a place where community organizations could do more planning to create meaningful options for young teens. By reducing isolation and building real pride in helping others, a quiet teen may finally find a place to feel special and needed, which can make all the difference through one of life’s harder stretches.