By Dr. Kalman Heller, Child and Family Psychologist
Question:
My son is four years old and he rules the house. His first response to everything is “No!” Getting him dressed, getting him to eat breakfast, getting him off to nursery school or day care is a daily struggle. He throws tantrums whenever he isn’t getting what he wants, and sometimes even when he does. He’s very jealous of his 2 year old sister and constantly goes after her. He wears me down. I know I’m losing it too much and screaming at him, of course, to no avail.
My husband and I try to discipline him, but he won’t stay in time out. He keeps walking out of his room. Getting him to stay in his bed at night is another constant challenge, along with trying to have a peaceful dinner. Yet he can be a warm, affectionate child, and at times he’s a delight to play with or read to. Learning how to discipline a defiant 4 year old, can be a challenge. At school they tell me he’s terrific, which makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I know we’re not being very consistent with our discipline. My husband and I often end up yelling at each other for not following through. Any suggestions?
Start With the Basics
Answer:
Whenever parents are struggling with a very difficult-to-manage child, the first step is to check in with your physician, including an allergist, to rule out anything medical that could be affecting your child’s behavior. As a mental health professional, I take a careful early history to figure out whether this is primarily an issue of temperament, meaning is there clear evidence of challenges right from the beginning. Another avenue worth exploring is sensory processing issues, often suggested by a history of not being calmed by touch, fear reactions to loud noises, or frequently pulling off clothing, sometimes because certain fabrics feel irritating.
You Can’t Control His Behavior, Only the Consequences
Whatever the cause, it’s important to start by recognizing that you cannot control your child’s behavior. Believing otherwise is a false expectation, one that feeds a parent’s sense of failure or pushes some parents toward becoming even more authoritarian and angry. The only things you can control are your own behavior and the consequences you attach to your child’s behavior, and you need to manage both actively and consistently so your child learns to make better choices over time. For a lot of kids this comes easily, because they’re naturally eager to please or just even-tempered by nature. But some children are impulsive, moody, not great at calming themselves, and very needy for attention. Kids with these harder temperaments may always struggle somewhat, tending to make unacceptable choices at a higher rate than other kids. They present real challenges for any parent.
You’re Not the Cause, and You’re Not Alone in This
It helps to realize that parenting isn’t a one-way process. Children shape their parents at least as much as parents shape them. So when you have a child who’s been difficult from an early age, you start doubting yourself as a parent, and you may even develop feelings of resentment toward that child, usually followed by a heavy dose of guilt for feeling that way. Those doubts and negative emotions only make it harder to parent well. It’s extremely common for parents of a challenging child to see themselves as bad parents, especially mothers, since our society tends to load them with responsibility for how their kids behave. Yet these same parents often have one or more other kids who are doing just fine, and rarely give themselves any credit for that.
By the time parents reach my office, it’s often a genuine relief just to hear that they didn’t cause this child’s difficulties and can’t single-handedly change his core makeup. What’s usually happening at that point is that they’ve been worn down by the daily struggle and have started doing things that unintentionally make the challenging behavior worse.
Build More Structure Into Mornings
Now for some actual guidelines. Mornings are tough for a reason. A central issue for a child like this is probably an exaggerated need for attention, combined with trouble soothing himself and staying focused on a task when he’s on his own. These kids often do better in a school setting, because it’s usually highly structured and the other children’s example nudges him toward following the rules. When there is a problem at preschool, it’s typically when the program is less structured, the room is too noisy, or his need for attention leads to conflict with other kids.
Try a Visual Schedule
Extra structure matters a lot for these children, since they’re less able to create it for themselves. Borrow the trick most preschools already use, a daily schedule on a big poster with pictures that the kids review routinely. With your child’s help, make a large poster laying out the morning routine, including times, a short description of each task, and a picture or drawing to go with it. Put a large analog clock next to the poster. Then, all morning, keep referring back to it. “It’s 7:20 and the poster says you’re supposed to have brushed your teeth already. Uh oh, you’d better hurry or you won’t be dressed by 7:35.” It works like the poster is in charge instead of you, and nobody can argue with a poster.
If you can, build a short playtime into the end of the schedule, one that only happens if he’s finished on time. That way he’s working toward the thing he wants most of all, your attention. You can use the same approach at night, with the same one-on-one payoff at the end if he’s ready on time.
Handling a Tantrum
So what should you actually do when he throws a tantrum? Walk away, even if he responds by ramping it up or keeping it going longer. Wait until it runs its course before you attempt any discipline. If he’s really lost it, remember that a full-blown tantrum is a scary experience for a young child too, and it helps to name that feeling once it’s over. In those moments you might also offer some soothing words alongside whatever consequence you decide on.
Attention Is Your Most Powerful Tool
One of the most effective discipline tools you have as a parent is simply your attention. A challenging child has learned that negative behavior is a reliable way to get most of his attention, so you need to reverse that. Pull your attention back during the negative moments, skip the lectures and warnings since they rarely help, and make a real point of giving him more attention when he’s behaving well. Structure helps here too. Try listing a few key positive behaviors on a chart that earn extra one-on-one playtime with a parent.
Making Time Out Actually Work
Time out is still one of the most effective discipline techniques available, but making it work again comes back to remembering you can’t control his behavior, only the consequences. If he refuses to go to his room or stay there for the required few minutes, kneel down, look him right in the eye, and say, “You’re right, I can’t make you stay in your room. But if you don’t, the next time you ask me to do something with you or for you, I’m going to say no and remind you that you owe me a time out.” Then walk away. He’ll need something from you soon enough, and you simply remind him that it’s not happening until he completes his time out. Expect to get tested on this a few times. Once he realizes you’re like an elephant that never forgets (a mask or picture of an elephant handy can even add a little levity to the process), he’ll become a lot more willing to accept the consequence.
The Big Picture
The key to parenting a challenging child comes down to a few things. Don’t lose confidence in yourself as a parent. Stay persistent about creating structure and managing where you put your attention. And keep looking for the positive parts of who your child is, then put as much of your own attention there as you can.
