By Dr. Kalman Heller, Child and Family Psychologist
School is out. The vision of summer vacation for many parents and kids is a season of lower stress. No more battles over homework, no struggles with academic performance or classroom problems, no wondering whether it was the child or the parent who actually finished that project. But summer brings its own stresses. For working parents, it means arranging care for the kids and covering the added expense that comes with it. For some children, losing the structure and predictability of the school year is genuinely unsettling. Plenty of kids are also facing something new, like their first time at day camp, overnight camp, or a new program using these summer camp tips for parents. The swimming class, sailing program, computer class, or art class that sounded fun back in the spring can feel a little scary once it’s actually time to go.
Set Younger Kids Up for Success at Camp
To give preschool and school age kids a better shot at a successful summer (we’ll get to teens in a moment), keep a few things front of mind. Parents should be upfront with staff about potential behavioral issues. Too often, parents worry that giving staff a heads up will get their child labeled a “problem” before anything’s even happened. But if your child is slow to warm up, needs activities broken into small steps, needs extra support or encouragement from adults, struggles with transitions, gets frustrated easily, or is afraid of water, staff need those strategies in hand ahead of time to head off problems. Tell them what actually works at home or in school, the same way you would when preparing anyone new who’ll be spending time with your child.
A Tale of Two Camp Experiences
I’m reminded of two situations from recent years, both involving slightly hyper, disorganized 7 year old boys attending a new day camp for the first time. One set of parents didn’t want to “label” their child and hoped the camp’s active program wouldn’t call for any special strategies. Unfortunately, the child struggled in his very first instructional swim class, the staff member took a confrontational approach that only made him more anxious and upset, and the resulting blow up left him strongly resistant to going back. Naturally, it also left the camp reluctant to have him return. The other family explained their child’s needs ahead of time. They talked through what worked, clear and firm options and consequences, and not getting pulled into negotiating or making threats. Those parents were even prepared to have their child sent home for the first couple of days if his behavior became unacceptable, because that had worked before to help him accept a new adult’s authority. That’s exactly what happened, and the rest of the camp experience went smoothly.
When a Program Isn’t Working Out
Sometimes a program turns out to be very different from what was expected, or a child’s reaction is far more negative than anyone anticipated. Parents then have to wrestle with whether to make the child stick it out. Start by understanding the child’s distress. Don’t dismiss or minimize it just because there’s nowhere else for the child to be, or because there’s no refund. Once you have a real sense of the problem (you may need to go observe, the way one parent did last summer when she discovered the program really was just boring), meet with staff and see if there’s a way to resolve it. If the program isn’t living up to what it promised, ask for a refund. In my experience, plenty of programs end up with last minute openings, so you may well find an alternative that fits better. The key, especially with younger kids, is not to force a child to sit through a bad experience, because doing so tends to make it harder to get that child to try new things down the road. The worry that you’re teaching a child not to honor a commitment is usually overblown, especially at younger ages.
Teens and Summer Structure
Summer looks different for teenagers. Camp versus a job, how many hours of work versus free time, and, usually the biggest source of friction, summer curfews. In the early teen years, when a kid feels too old for camp but isn’t quite old enough for most jobs, he or she often pushes for a lot of unstructured free time, while the parent is understandably worried about what that time could turn into. The right call depends on the child’s personality (some kids genuinely thrive with free time because they have real interests and can structure it themselves), their actual track record (does this child have a history of getting into serious trouble, or is this more about parental anxiety), and who else is around (sometimes there’s simply no one to hang out with). Usually I push for a compromise, some structure, like breaking up the summer with a couple of week-long activities, along with some genuinely open time, and then see how the child handles it. Part of raising kids is giving them room to learn about themselves, and parents are sometimes pleasantly surprised by how well that goes.
Rethinking Curfews for Older Teens
Then there’s curfews, which get especially contentious with older teens who love pointing out how soon they’ll be off to college with no curfew at all. Rising juniors heading into senior year are particularly fond of this argument. My general philosophy is that kids need to learn to manage themselves while they’re still living at home, where mistakes are easier to catch and work through. Too many parents try to micromanage their teens just to head off mistakes before they happen. Kids need structure, but they also need real chances to test their own capacity for self-management and to live with the consequences when they fail. Our job isn’t to mistake-proof our children. So I usually encourage parents to loosen up on summer curfews for 16 year olds and drop curfews altogether for 17 year olds who have daytime responsibilities, with one standard requirement, that parents have a general sense of who their child is with and roughly where they’re likely to be. A teen may push the limits of that freedom at first, but the novelty wears off fast, especially once they’re dragging through work the next morning. For more on setting boundaries that actually hold, HealthyChildren.org’s guide to teen curfews is a good resource.
Summers aren’t simply vacations. They’re 10 week stretches of new experiences, challenges, and real opportunities for growth. They can bring plenty of anxiety for parents and kids alike, but handled well, summer can be a genuinely special time for everyone. For more on getting kids ready before the season starts, the American Camp Association’s guide to preparing children for camp is worth a look.
